Park Football

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, “Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.”
The boy interrupts: “But I’m not a City fan.”
The reporter starts again: “Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack.”
The boy interrupts again: “I’m not a United fan either.”
The reporter asks: “Who do you support, then?”
“Liverpool,” replies the boy.
The headline the next day: “Scouse b*****d kills family pet”

Bill Shankly Quotes

‘If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn’t blow his cap off.’

‘We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.’

‘You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.’ (to Tommy Smith)

‘The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.’

‘If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.’

‘Football’s not a matter of life and death … it’s more important than that.’

‘Brian Clough’s worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally’

Gordan Strachan’s Sky Sports Quotes

Here are the best of Strachan’s Sky Sports funnies…

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Stracham: No! I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, “no, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless!”

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I’ve still got a job so it’s far better than the Coventry one, that’s for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We’re not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don’t know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You’re spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I’ve got more important things to think about. I’ve got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you’ll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won’t you?
Strachan: You’re right. It is a daft question. I’m not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you’re spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I’m just going to crumble like a wreck. I’ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There’s no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we’re all quite positive round here. I’m going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It’s a secret.

Reporter: You don’t take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don’t take stupid comments lightly either.

Football Chants Of The Season

According to a recent BBC poll, the top 10 football chants of last season…

1) “Cilla wants her teeth back.”
Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match.

2) “Let’s talk about Cesc baby, lets talk about Flam-in-i, let’s talk about Theo Walcott, Freddie Ljungberg and Henry, let’s talk about Cesc.”
Arsenal fans, To the tune of Salt and Pepa’s Let’s Talk About Sex. They might need to change the words slightly this season – Ed.

3) “You should have stayed in a burger!”
Palace fans to Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerken.

4) “We’re gonna deep-fry your pizzas!”
Scotland fans to their Italian counterparts.

5) “We’ve got Dave Tilbury, He’ll paint your house for free,
He quotes and estimates, He paints and decorates.”
Windsor & Eton FC fans to painter and decorator Dave Tilbury who was making his 200th appearance for the club against Marlow.

6) “Here we go, here we go, here we go,
Youssef’s better than Junin-ee-oh
Here we go-oh,
Morrocan All Over The World.”
Norwich fans’ chant to Youssef Safri, to the tune of the Quo’s Rockin’ All Over The World.

7) “Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best,
They go up from his a*** to his chest,
They’re better than Adam and the Ants,
Niall Quinn’s disco pants!”
Sunderland fans to chairman Niall Quinn.

“Who needs Mourinho, we’ve got our physio!”
Scunthorpe fans pay tribute to manager Nigel Adkins, the club’s old physio.

9) “Love, Lovell tear you apart, again.”
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts.

10) “Cedric Cedric show us Uras.”
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras.

Cup Final Seat

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1962.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Ron Atkinson Quotes – Part 2

“I’m afraid they’ve left their legs at home”

“I think that was a moment of cool panic there”

“Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs”

“They’ve done the old-fashioned things well; they’ve kicked the ball, they’ve headed it”

“Chelsea look like they’ve got a couple more gears left in the locker”

“Now Manchester United are 2-1 down on aggregate, they are in a better position than when they started the game at 1-1″

“Zero-zero is a big score”

“He was lightning slow”

“Tony Adams – He’s a rock that the team has grown from”

“A ten foot keeper really should have stopped that”

“The keeper was unsighted – he still didn’t see it”

“Carlton Palmer can trap the ball further than I can kick it”

Ron Atkinson Quotes

“His white boots were on fire against Arsenal, and he’ll be looking for them to reproduce tonight”

“He actually looks a little tw@t, that Totti”

“That boy throws a ball further than I go on holiday” – On Dave Challinor of Tranmere.

“The keeper should have saved that one but he did”

“The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box”

“If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus”

“Ryan Giggs is running long up the backside”

“I would not say David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better”

“The Bulgarian players are tried and trusted. Well, I’m not sure they can be trusted”

 ”I tell you what, if the Cameroons get a goal back here they’re literally gonna catch on fire”

“Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s. Movement and positioning”

“Suker – first touch like a camel”

“Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect”

“Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns”

“He’s not only a good player, but he’s spiteful in the nicest sense of the word”

“He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate”

Squad Rotation

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system.  He says it’s the keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.