Fabio Capello’s first day

 It’s Fabio Capello’s first day as England manager and he walks into the showers and sees a large poo on the floor. He goes straight to the dressing room to confront the players and asks “who’s sh*t on the floor?”
At which point Peter Crouch sticks his hand up and says “yeah, but I’m good in the air!” 

The oddest game of footy ever?

A match played around Dec ‘93-Feb ‘94 between Barbados and Grenada in some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0 victory.

With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not going to score against Grenada’s massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realised what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, therefore, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of a team defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal!

Eventually, the game did go to penalties, which Barbados won… Apparently it was televised live.

Heavy rain

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’

Definition of a good referee

1) Must be fair

2) Must be consistent

3) Must make correct judgements

4) Must be able to stay in control

5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players

Animal Football

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”

Russian Oil Baron

Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.” Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.

Spot The Difference

Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the England football team?

A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence