Port Vale Fan!

Q: How can you tell ET is a Port Vale fan?

A: Because he looks like one.

Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Manchester United.

Rafa Benitez

Rafa Benitez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: “Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The Liverpool fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. “The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.
“Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back.”

Animal Football

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”

Spot The Difference

Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the England football team?

A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

Park Football

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, “Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.”
The boy interrupts: “But I’m not a City fan.”
The reporter starts again: “Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack.”
The boy interrupts again: “I’m not a United fan either.”
The reporter asks: “Who do you support, then?”
“Liverpool,” replies the boy.
The headline the next day: “Scouse b*****d kills family pet”

Football Chants Of The Season

According to a recent BBC poll, the top 10 football chants of last season…

1) “Cilla wants her teeth back.”
Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match.

2) “Let’s talk about Cesc baby, lets talk about Flam-in-i, let’s talk about Theo Walcott, Freddie Ljungberg and Henry, let’s talk about Cesc.”
Arsenal fans, To the tune of Salt and Pepa’s Let’s Talk About Sex. They might need to change the words slightly this season – Ed.

3) “You should have stayed in a burger!”
Palace fans to Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerken.

4) “We’re gonna deep-fry your pizzas!”
Scotland fans to their Italian counterparts.

5) “We’ve got Dave Tilbury, He’ll paint your house for free,
He quotes and estimates, He paints and decorates.”
Windsor & Eton FC fans to painter and decorator Dave Tilbury who was making his 200th appearance for the club against Marlow.

6) “Here we go, here we go, here we go,
Youssef’s better than Junin-ee-oh
Here we go-oh,
Morrocan All Over The World.”
Norwich fans’ chant to Youssef Safri, to the tune of the Quo’s Rockin’ All Over The World.

7) “Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best,
They go up from his a*** to his chest,
They’re better than Adam and the Ants,
Niall Quinn’s disco pants!”
Sunderland fans to chairman Niall Quinn.

“Who needs Mourinho, we’ve got our physio!”
Scunthorpe fans pay tribute to manager Nigel Adkins, the club’s old physio.

9) “Love, Lovell tear you apart, again.”
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts.

10) “Cedric Cedric show us Uras.”
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras.

Cup Final Seat

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1962.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”