Port Vale Fan!

Q: How can you tell ET is a Port Vale fan?

A: Because he looks like one.

Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Manchester United.

Rafa Benitez

Rafa Benitez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: “Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The Liverpool fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. “The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.
“Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back.”

Kevin Keegan Quotes

‘It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card.’

‘The ref was vertically 15 yards away.’

‘There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop; everybody’s got their own opinion…’

‘Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late twenties or thirties.’

‘The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.’

‘I don’t think there’s anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.’

‘They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he’s nothing like him, but I can see why – it’s because he’s a bit different’

‘You can’t do better than go away from home and get a draw…’

‘He can’t speak Turkey, but you can tell he’s delighted.’

‘There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.’

‘…using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.’

‘One of his strengths is not heading’

‘Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.’

‘I’m not disappointed – just disappointed.’

‘The tide is very much in our court now.’

‘Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose.’

‘That would have been a goal if it wasn’t saved.’

‘I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s totally different.’

‘A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm – and it nearly came off.’

‘The substitute is about to come on – he’s a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.’

‘I know what is around the corner – I just don’t know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.’

‘Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they’re different countries…’

‘In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.’

‘The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful.’

‘England have the best fans in the world and Scotland’s fans are second-to-none’

‘It’s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.’

‘I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.’

‘It could be far worse for me if it was easy for me.’

‘Argentina won’t be at Euro 2000 because they’re from South America.’

‘They’re the second best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that.’

‘You don’t get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter.’

‘You’re not just getting international football, you’re getting world football’

‘Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa’

‘Football’s always easier when you’ve got the ball’

‘I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.’

‘The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23’

‘I’ve had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.’

‘We managed to wrong a few rights.’

‘We are three games without defeat is another way of looking at it. But if we are honest we have taken two points from nine’

‘He’ll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he’ll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.’

‘Danny Tiatto is not going to make a mistake on purpose’

‘I’ll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again’

Kevin Keegan

Keegan has stated he intends to bring a lot of new faces to Newcastle United.
Peter Beardsley is reported to have asked for one.

Fabio Capello’s first day

 It’s Fabio Capello’s first day as England manager and he walks into the showers and sees a large poo on the floor. He goes straight to the dressing room to confront the players and asks “who’s sh*t on the floor?”
At which point Peter Crouch sticks his hand up and says “yeah, but I’m good in the air!” 

The oddest game of footy ever?

A match played around Dec ’93-Feb ’94 between Barbados and Grenada in some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0 victory.

With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not going to score against Grenada’s massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realised what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, therefore, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of a team defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal!

Eventually, the game did go to penalties, which Barbados won… Apparently it was televised live.

Heavy rain

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’

Definition of a good referee

1) Must be fair

2) Must be consistent

3) Must make correct judgements

4) Must be able to stay in control

5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players